Become a Home Based Travel Agent

Flying 101
By: Jan Shaughnessy

My recent ten hour flight from Munich to Atlanta gave me plenty of time to think.  I looked around the plane and wondered, “What are all these people doing to whittle away the time?”  Many were reading, working on a laptop, sleeping, and watching the movie.  Unless you are fortunate enough to fly First Class, you’ll need to be real creative to take your mind off the uncomfortable seats in coach.  Since I am not one of those privileged few, I squirmed in my seat as I developed my list of  “Things to do on a ten-hour flight”.  I discovered husband’s can be a valuable asset to take along, and practicing your “puzzled” look is necessary before undertaking a long flight.  The “puzzled” look is that look of surprise, the “who me” look, the “It wasn’t me” look.  You’ll see how it can be used in a moment.  You’ll also need a small survival kit.  It should contain tootsie roll pops, a safety pin, duct tape, a small airplane size bottle of vodka, various colors of scripto pens, and a small rubber mallet (the kind Doctor’s use to test reflexes).  If questioned by TSA about the mallet tell them you’re a Doctor.  The rubber mallet should be tested on your husband’s knees first.

Things to do on a Ten-hour flight

The first hour usually goes by fast. - First check out all the items in the seat pouch in front of you.  This includes checking out the junk left by the previous passenger that the flight attendants missed when they “cleaned” the plane.  Read the safety instruction pamphlet, look at the Sky Mall magazine with the cool over priced gadgets, and flip through the airline magazine, attempting the crossword puzzle and suduko.  The flight attendants will now be bringing around your small glass (not can) of coke.  This will be followed by a delicious in-flight meal, which your choice won’t be available by the time they get to you.  

Hours Two and Three – Watch the movie even though you probably just saw it recently.

Hour Four – Now you’re starting to get bored.  Fortunately, the airline still hands out pillows and blankets on long flights.  Start a pillow fight with your husband.  After ten minutes he’ll cry Uncle.  Then it’s time to make a tent with the blanket across both your seats. This will take another ten minutes.  The duct tape may come in handy here.  Duct tape also is handy to tape your husband’s arm down to the seat while he’s sleeping.  Now you’re really looking for things to do.  Flip your coke cup over (be sure it’s empty first), and proceed to drum out music with the cute plastic spoon and fork you kept from your recent meal (five mins).  Poke your husband in the ribs with the plastic knife. This will only last two minutes.  You now hear a baby crying.  Unwrap a tootsie roll pop and insert in babies mouth.  For faster results dip the tootsie pop in the bottle of vodka you brought.  Don’t forget to tell the mother you were glad to be of assistance.  To kill the remaining thirty minutes of hour four, tie up the lavatory by brushing your teeth, put on make-up, and curl your hair with your battery operated curling iron.  When you exit the lavatory kill more time counting the number of people waiting in line. 

Hour Five - It is inevitable the man four rows back from yours has put his carry-on bag in your overhead bin.  Use your colored scriptos to draw a picture on his stomach when he reaches up to his bag.  He will make several trips to his bag during the flight so you should be able to complete your picture by the time you land.  There will be many passengers walking up and down the aisles to stretch.  Have fun tripping some of them.  When they turn around, use the puzzled look I taught you earlier.  Passengers also will be using the back of your seat as an exercise pole.  Use the rubber mallet on their fingers.  When they cry out and look at you, use the puzzled look.  Help out another mother with her crying baby.  The second movie will soon be starting.  You will need the safety pin from your kit.  Your view of the screen is being blocked by the woman three rows up.  She has blown up a strange looking contraption and placed it behind her back with the top sticking six inches above her head.  Two or three pokes with the safety pin should take care of the problem.  

Hour Six and Seven – The second movie.  You didn’t see this one, but it’s either so boring, or you just don’t understand the plot.  Watch it anyway. If you’re really bored remove the airline magazines and fold the pages to make Christmas trees.  You remember, like the ones you made with Reader’s Digest back in the sixties. 

Hour Eight – You should be receiving another cup of coke.  Play a game with your husband.  See who can count the most carbonated bubbles.  Cheat by blowing more bubbles in your coke when he’s not looking.  Play another game with same husband.  This game is called the “Hair Game”.   The object of the game is to come up with 100 points. The first one to spot a lady with maroon hair and matching pant suit gets 25 points.  The first one to find 12 natural blondes gets another 25 points.  The highest count of baldheads is worth 50 points, but deduct 10 points each for bad come over.  The remainder of this hour can be spent talking politics to the person across the aisle.

Hour Nine – Another meal is served.  Take a couple laps around the plane after the meal.  Take the rubber mallet with you and have some fun (don’t forget the puzzle look).  Stick a tootsie pop in your pocket in case you run across another crying baby. Turn on some call buttons as you walk by passengers who are sleeping. Stop by someone’s seat and pretend you’re just stretching. They won’t know you’re reading over their shoulder.  An announcement is made to return to your seat the plane will be arriving soon.

Hour Ten – You’ve arrived home. My, where did the time go!  Congratulations! You’ve survived your ten-hour flight.

Now that I’ve had some fun, here’s some things that can help pass the time:  I hope the trade magazines never go totally electronic.  Long flights are great for catching up on all your trade reading, and it also may be a conversation starter if someone sees what your reading.  Do read the airline magazines.  They have some great destination articles, and you can catch up on the latest news from the airline.  I really do love suduko, which I’m pretty good, and I attempt crosswords, which I’m not so good.  Flying is a great time to read a book you’ve been putting off.  It’s also a great time to work on those business or marketing plans.  You might want to use your time adding a special touch by handwriting cards to clients.  Of course, it’s always a good time to do work on your laptop.

I seldom go to movies at home, so I usually do enjoy a movie or two.  Don’t forget to exercise you legs and ankles.  Do try to get some sleep.  Especially if you’ll have a long drive once you arrive at your final destination.  Happy flying.